Worse nightmare with step dad

How can i forget, I was 12 years old then right after my graduation from primary school. I went home alone as my mother and step dad didn't bother to attend my graduation, I remember my mother told me that its only primary and she will only attend if its college since its more important.

Bu with the help of my friend's mother. she was able to be my temporary mother that time. Then we went out for lunch together with the rest of her family.

My mother was not at home that time, my step dad was there and drank. I was inside my room busy with my computer when he called me up and want me to bring some ice cubes and brought it to the room.

I saw him watching video with those naked girls and men playing with each other. I was about to go out when he lock the door and stand in front of me. i can still remember his re eyes that look like devil. A big low to my stomach that makes me feel so weak that i can't even scream for help. I see nothing but temporary darkness, Heard nothing but his voice, I can still remember his smell. The kind of smell that i will hate for the rest of my life.

I feel so hopeless that time. I feel the pain that goes inside of me. I feel that my whole life was broken that time. And that was the end of my happy moment, my childhood dreams, the colorful world that i use to dream with.

i dont know how many times he used me that day. i can't feel anything but pain. I can still remember when he brought me to my room and then let me sleep there like nothing happened.

The next day i couldn't get up. I feel so sick. I've got a very high fever that time and that's the only time i saw my mother worried about me. I know that every time i got sick, shes always beside me. she will not going to sleep 'til i will be ok. Then, I heard my step dad coming. He told my mother to have rest and let him look after me. I want to tell her of not to leave but i couldn't speak. I feel that i lost not only my life but also my voice. I might be shock that time and all i can do is to cry.

My mother left the room, and another nightmare happened. While my fever was high i can see my step dad moving on the top of my body as if he doesn't care at all. He used me again. I wished to die on that very moment. I wish that my fever will not stop til i die.

For 3 days that i was stock in my bed, those are also the days that my step dad took his opportunity to use me. and i know that's not the end yet but only the beginning.

Months past by and years, I don't have the guts to tell my mother about it as i feel so uneasy with her. She put a big space towards me that i can't even tell her what i really feel. I was 15 when i got pregnant. and that's the only time i told my mother about it, but worse, she hit me leaving with so many lashes.